


Nothing Says Family Quite Like The Whole Family Being Dead

by DontBeAnAsshole



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 06:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6185134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontBeAnAsshole/pseuds/DontBeAnAsshole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean got too close to exploding Dick and Sam doesn't know what to do. This is the much needed view on Sam's deliberation on whether or not to look for Dean when he was in Purgatory. Between season 7 and 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Says Family Quite Like The Whole Family Being Dead

The rain is pouring as Sam leaves the building. The first thing he feels as he walks across the lawn is a twinge in his chest. It keeps getting tighter and tighter as he fights to breathe normally. His hair is sticking to his cheeks and forehead as he’s trudging through the muddy grass towards Baby. Dean’s baby. He looks up and sees the car, in not so great condition after being crashed by Meg, getting cleaned by the heavy downpour. 

Dean hated the rain. Sam always loved it, it was calming in a way. Reminded him of real life. Nature and how amazing the earth is. Reminded him of what they are working so hard to protect. The sound of it used to calm him. Now, as he reached the car, clutching his chest, wrenching open the door with a creak barely audible through the rain coming down so hard, he thinks it might not be so calming anymore. The sound seems to be causing his heart to race even faster as he climbs into the driver’s seat. Dean’s seat. His Dean. He’s gone. He will never sit on this seat again. Sam wants to cry, wants to scream and destroy something. 

Lightning strikes close by and reflects light off the rearview mirror, lighting up his reflection for a split second. He looked like hell. Pale, sallow skin with dark circles. But what surprised him was how empty he looked. I guess it makes sense, but he thought he would look more angry. He let out a huff and sat back. His jaw clenched involuntarily as he felt something like a stone drop into his lower stomach. That stone will never leave, he thought. That will be there always. Dean’s gone.

\----

Blurry lines are all Sam can see as he drives down the highway that night with the thump-thump of the windshield wipers on high and the rumble of Baby’s engine the only sounds he could hear. Besides his own heartbeat. Leaving that parking lot without Dean was not something Sam was comfortable with, but something kept nagging at the back of his mind. Their promise to each other. To not look for or try to save the other if they die or disappear. Sam just wanted to be sure Dean would be proud of him, but what if there was a chance? His previous feeling of hopeless grief was momentarily awakened. What if? Where could Dean have gone? It looked like he went with Dick Roman. Like they could’ve gone to the same place? 

Sam shook his head as the highway took a slow curve and the rain continued its barrage on the roof of the car. He knew what they promised each other. Part of him didn’t care, but part of him wondered if Dean was looking down on him right now, trying to urge him to move on and forget about him. Sam knew he could never do that, not really. But part of him also wanted to try. He hated that part of himself. He loved his brother. More than anything. 

He rolled up to the safe house and Baby rumbled into silence. Sitting in the silence with the rain barely coming down now felt like a box around his head squeezing in from all sides. He brushed his hand across his lips and tried to breathe in and out slowly. A hitch in his throat caused him to cough a bit and he groaned. Grabbing the bottle from the empty seat beside him, his eyes lingered on that seat for a moment. He could almost see his brother passed out next to him as he often did on long car rides across country. Eventually, Sam creaked open the door and walked up to the house and went inside. He was alone. Frowning, he made his way to Dean’s room sat down on the bed. The duffel full of clothes was in one corner and the duffel with the weapons in the other. Sam picked up one of Dean’s shirts from the bed and felt his hands close tightly around it as if that could bring him back. 

\----

Puffy was not a strong enough word to describe how Sam’s eyes felt when he woke still fully dressed on Dean’s bed. He rubbed a hand over his face, then got up and made coffee. He sat at the kitchen table and looked out the small window to the trees. It was raining again. Dick was gone, Dean was gone, and all Sam wanted to do was sleep. What Crowley said right before booking it with Kevin, “Looks like you are well and truly on your own” kept playing over and over in his head. Man, Kevin is gone too. And Cas. What the hell was he expected to do here? He checked his phone purely out of habit. Nothing. Of course not. Nobody left to call him. 

He sat down on the couch with his coffee and took a sip. What could he possibly find if he looked for Dean? There’s no trace. Dick exploded, taking Dean and Cas with him. No leads, no options. No place to even start. Would it be so bad if he just stopped everything? Like they said they would. Just quit the life and never look back. Start a new life. That’s what Dean would have wanted. That’s what he said he wanted for them both. He had to keep his promise to Dean. Sam finished his coffee and plopped his head down into his hands. 

He cried himself dry last night, no more tears were left. With a deep sigh and a bone-deep sadness darkening his heart, he realized there was one thing he could do. He walked outside and looked down at the Impala as she sat broken and damaged out front. Dean’s energy was almost visible around her and it sucked Sam in. He wasn’t even sure how he got back here safely the night before. Would fixing her up bring him closer to his brother or help him let go? Maybe both. He had to try.

\----

About a week later, Sam started the car and let out a breath he hadn’t realize he’d been holding. It works. Relief flooded through him. He wasn’t sure if it was because the car finally worked, or if it was more about the decision he had made. Moving on and leaving this crap show behind, like he’d wished for so many years before. He tried not to think about Jess. Tried not to go through the list of people they’d lost. Dean was now on the list again, and for good this time. It’s time, he thought. He turned on the radio. “Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more…” He switched it back off. Throat tightening, he cleared his throat. He backed out onto the street, and drove off down the road in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> This was REALLY fun to write. I hadn't written anything of substance in a long-ass time so this felt good. Might suck a lot, but idk. Let me know what you think <3


End file.
